I have not posted in several weeks, for which I am sorry.
Perhaps you are not. Not that I haven’t tried. Each time I sit down to write, I
get sleepy or distracted or uncomfortable. I itch, I sneeze, something’s too
tight or the room is too hot or too cold.
The only thing I have been able to keep up with is the
exercising. I joined a boot camp that meets at 5 in the morning. I still go to
the gym five days a week. I still make a token effort to tidy up around the
house. (Emphasis on token effort.)
But otherwise, I’ve been off. Grumpy, distracted, unsettled.
I’ve tried to figure it out, and my last post was my first glimmer of
understanding.
You’ll recall that I noted that my body started to kick up a
fuss just around the anniversary of the brain tumor surgery and seizure, and
coma and “the unpleasantness”. We had my son’s wedding on October 4 (which was
lovely), but starting during the third week of October, I began my descent.
How to describe this? It is exactly as if my body’s deepest consciousness
was tugging at my robe, trying to get my attention. “Hey! Pay attention to us!
Something is wrong! You aren’t listening!”
No, I wasn’t. I was not planning to mark the two-year
anniversary in any way. As far as I was concerned, I am cured with nothing to
worry about. But my body and soul is determined to remember.
And so for the last six weeks or so, we have been fighting
it out. From my conscious perspective, everything has gone wrong. My clean
eating habits have been forgotten. I count the hours until I can go back to
bed. I’ve been lonely and sad and scared and needy and angry – so angry – all
at once.
But joy is returning! This morning, on December 8th,
the NEW me – the BETTER me – has returned. This cannot be a coincidence. Two
years ago, on December 12th, I left the hospital in Dallas to come
home. Of course I still had rehab to do, and I was in pretty rough shape, but
the nightmare of “the unpleasantness” was over.
Is this a coincidence? I think not. I was talking with a
dear, wise friend last evening about this, exploring whether you brain itself can have interior memories that
“you” haven’t directed. I absolutely believe this is true.
There is you –
your personality, your conscious thoughts – the part that directs your body’s
movements when you want to go
somewhere or do something or think about something. And then there is a deeper,
more interior self that seems to be separate and apart, able to have an
independent life experience. It seems to me that this interior self has a
higher value, a more profound process. I think it must be your soul.
It was my soul that kept me
alive during “the unpleasantness”. And it has been my soul that has been so
deeply angry and distressed during these recent long weeks.
The term “troubled soul” is thrown around from time to time
– usually to describe someone who is not making a good go of things. It’s more
important than that.
I believe your soul remembers things at the deepest levels.
I believe your soul wants you to
remember, too.
Next year, I will know to pay more attention as I enter the
third week of October. I will be more careful, because there is black ice on
the pavement ahead.
