What Do I Remember?

I remember doctors shouting my name and grabbing my toes, trying to get a response. Inside my head, I was pissed. I wanted people to know I was in there – trying to get out.

Oh, I was in there all right. I would like to say my recovery was seamless. (I’m thinking of June Allyson in one of her movies when she greets husband James Stewart after having their baby and she looks fabulous with a big, blue hair bow. This did not happen.)

Instead, breathing was a problem with one three hour coughing and wheezing marathon that left everyone exhausted. I did have a session of rage that earned me a couple of shots of Haldol. I did pull out my breathing tube, threw it across the room, and glared at St. Kenny.

There were swollen vocal cords, with a question of whether I would be able to speak again. They put in a feeding tube that was painful and troubling. It went on and on and on.

But finally, on November 23, they moved me into a room on the rehab floor. I remember the move only vaguely, but I know I was not as excited for the change as my family was. Shame on me. But I needed to believe I was already well, just waiting to go home.

By now the holiday season was upon us, and my family began decorating my room. I ended up with two Christmas trees, bears, angels, and artwork from my very young great niece. Why should I mention this? Well, it seems that my room was the only one decorated.

I know! Please, if you ever have a family member desperately sick in the hospital, bring on the decorations. In those early days, when I was in and out of sleep, I stared at the colors and lights for hours.

Finally, finally it was time to take those first steps to recovery.

I think I have minimized this experience, again because my soul and self cannot (or will not) comprehend how far away I had been. It’s only now, after a year and a half, that I am even beginning to go there. In the experience, I just couldn’t. In the early days, it was too important for me to deny that there was anything wrong. I actually believed I was just fine.