No Matter What, You Will Never Be The Same

I’ve started this chapter twice. I began by saying this is true for everyone – no matter what, you’ll never be the same as you are right now. But no, that’s wrong, there are some people who will stay astoundingly the same. It will take something more dramatic than LIFE to change their notion of  “how things are”. They will cling tightly to their view. No argument will do it. Facts will not sway them, nor will their own experiences or others.

Some folks start out more flexible, and stay that way. They tend to change their opinions as their reality changes, and tend to tread more lightly on others’ sensibilities. They may have been born knowing that no matter what - nothing ever stays the same.

I think I’ve always been more of the latter than the former, but recovering from a TBI has pushed me way over onto that side. This change was sealed when I spent six months in the outpatient neuro rehab after leaving the hospital. (I should take a moment here to mention that at no time did I think I really needed to be there. Such was my need for rehab.)

I was lucky to have a center here in Tyler, and every day Mr. Billy would come to get me and take me home. Some of my best rehab experiences were the van rides to and from the center. Mr. Billy is one of the kindest, most gentle and insightful men it has been my privilege to know. We talked about everything, solved all the problems of the world, and shared our stories – regularly laughing way too loud and way too long.

There were always other passengers on the “short bus” going home. Other TBI rehab-ees, similarly learning to find their way with their new brains. Some were recovering from strokes. One man “ate” the steering wheel of his sports car, had a rebuilt face and constant, debilitating pain. One man had been a construction worker who fell from a 10-story roof. He can’t speak and has other significant problems, but he’s alive, walking, enjoying his daughter. Another man fell from his horse – his foot caught in a stirrup, dragging him down the highway for too long, his head bouncing on the pavement.

I need to pause here to make the point that I had never thought I would come to care so much for my fellow inmates. They became my friends, and taught me more than I’ve ever learned about grace and compassion, courage and determination. Most people, sorry to say, look away when they see someone struggling. It’s their loss.

So, back to the “short bus” rides home. We were a chatty bunch, but all of our conversations came down to one point. Win or lose, no matter how much better you get, you’ll never be the same. And that’s all right.

That’s the lesson I had to learn every day (I’m still learning it), and I think it’s the lesson everyone must learn. You’ll never be the same. Whether you dig up truffles or dirt, whether there is gold at the end of your rainbow or a mud puddle. Nothing stays the same. And that’s all right.

Think about it this way – Einstein said that life is a river. (At least I think he did. Someone did.) And it is. We are all floating along on our own journey. We fight the currents or we don’t; we navigate our way as best we can. What life is NOT is a lake. You will NOT stay in the same place. The shoreline will NEVER be familiar.

When you are recovering from a brain injury, or, for that matter, when you are just navigating along in your life, I think it’s critical to know that nothing will ever be the same, and that’s all right. You have to find a way to make it all right, even if you don’t want to. Even if what you’ve gotten is not what you wanted, even if you planned one way and something else happened.

This sounds like I’m suggesting a passive approach to life. Absolutely not. Living this way requires the nerves and courage of a fighter pilot.