The Day I Was Pitched Penile Enlargement

The Day I Was Pitched Penile Enlargement

Los Angeles, in the mid 90’s. I was a Senior Vice President for one of the very biggest worldwide PR companies, and as such one of my Prime Directives was to find and land new business. When someone would call with an interest in our services, and if they made a reasonable case for themselves on the phone, we would schedule a meeting to find out more.

This particular day I was joined by a very beautiful junior account executive – so lovely, in fact, that she not only looked like Kim Bassinger, she was prettier. But she was very young and inexperienced, and had not yet learned the skill of keeping a straight face and losing the ability to be shocked.

This man came in, made it clear he wasn’t a doctor, but worked with the doctor at a practice in Beverly Hills devoted to penile enlargement.

He wanted to be suave, but came off as merely greasy. He was wearing a shiny black suit with a denim shirt, the collar popped up for maximum cool.

He began our meeting by discussing the importance of having a bigger penis, especially in public showers and locker rooms. I heard the gasp of my colleague. She was not prepared for this.

A few questions (from me) made it clear that this procedure would IN NO WAY increase the size of the penis when erect. This would just make it bigger when you are walking around in locker rooms. (I immediately thought of Michelangelo’s David. Poor thing, tiny little dick, forever enshrined in marble.)

Our potential client pulled out an expensive pen, grabbed a cocktail napkin and began to sketch the procedure. At this point, the lovely young woman at my side excused herself to go to the restroom. The conference room was all glass, and when she returned she didn’t want to come back, but she didn’t want to be seen, so she dived under the receptionist’s desk where she stayed until Potential Client left.

Oh, what to do? Now I’m trapped, a victim of my own curiosity. When would I ever have the opportunity to find out how you would make a flaccid penis bigger? Potential Client began to draw.

First, you put the patient on his stomach and excise two football-shaped pads from his butt cheeks, then very carefully stitch that up. It is important, apparently, to keep this from tearing. Well, I should think so.

Then, you put the patient on his back, make two incisions down either side of the penis, and stuff in some of the fat you removed from his butt.

My imagination was delighted. What if you didn’t stuff the fat in smoothly? Would he look like a lumpy homemade sausage?

Oh, and to make it look longer, there is apparently a little ligament or something up inside that you can cut and it will hang longer.

Then, after a suitable recovery time for this hapless bastard to wake up, they put him in a car to go home.

How? He can’t sit, I wouldn’t think. Would you strap him to the roof of the car like a surfboard?

At this point, even I could stand no more. We all have our limitations. I took his card (carefully) and promised to explain his needs to our office Director and be back in touch with him real soon. I never called.